I hope one day to inspire someone with the words I write on this page...
To help them through the difficult times in their life...
To make someone feel they aren't alone...
To maybe change someones life for the better...

But I hope for his sake he never reads this...

Saturday, December 31, 2011

sixhundred'one



I've never understood why people make such a big deal about New Year's eve. Yeah, it's an occasion to pop open the champagne and spend time with family and friends, but that doesn't seem so special to me. Everyday is just like any other. Every year feels the same, living in the same place with the same people where nothing changes except the little details. To me, New Year is about reflecting on what you have achieved in the past year and what you would want to happen in the next 365 days. A new beginning is a treasured thing, but everyday is what you make of it.
I just want to be happy and fall in love with life...


Happy 2012... Make it count.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

sixhundred



There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You try your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

fivehundred'ninetynine



Sometimes I think I need to get away, pack my things, get on a plane, head off alone, never look back at the town I called home; maybe visit California, I hear it's nice there. But all the waves and the coastline sunset shores would just make me realise how empty and lonely I really am and would just make me miss you more..

fivehundred'ninetyeight



There is a fine line between love and hate. You hear that cliche all the time. But no one told you that the moment you crossed it, it would be the one you least expected. You'd fall in love and crack open a secret door to let your soul mate in. You just never expected such closeness one day to feel like an intrusion.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

fivehundred'ninetyseven



I was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a God, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being, and I accepted it. I didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. 
What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone.

fivehundred'ninetysix



I know I'm full of insecurities and disappointments, but I promise you there's a part of me worth keeping.

fivehundred'ninetyfive



No, it's not like that. It's not what you're thinking. I was serious when I said "All of it." I can remember every moment we were together, and in every moment there was something wonderful. I can't really pick one time that meant more than any other. The entire year was perfect, the kind of year everyone should have. How could I pick one moment over any other? Poets describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what it was like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling for me. But as soon as we spoke, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it...

Monday, December 12, 2011

fivehundred'ninetyfour



And this is for the broken hearted. I know how you feel. Empty, betrayed, no happiness whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why, if they have hurt you so much, do you continue to love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do. And then, after a while, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were - an empty soul and teary eyed. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that are there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt. Because no matter who they are - it didn't happen to them. And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that you are basically alone with all of this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just breakdown, right there, because you've had enough. The tears just instantly start flowing, and you're at a point where you don't care who sees. Because you've spent many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by your scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that it's not helping at all, and it's not going to bring them back, if you even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself together and keep going. You find a way to deal with it. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says "it will be okay..." But you know it won't. And that's the truth. It's won't. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realise that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've leaned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you hear this person's name, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart - yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't feel it. And you sit there and wonder how one person could have caused all of this.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

fivehundred'ninetythree



It's funny how a series of chances we make can alter the course of a day: the attitude of the morning, the outlook we have on life, the blur of the night. It's funny how a series of chances can bring a smile to our face or tears to our eyes.

fivehundred'ninetytwo



I'm not going to spend my life chasing people. You wanna leave? Fine then, go ahead. Because I'm done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I've learned love is hard and life is strange.

fivehundred'ninetyone



I am so self-destructive. I turn solutions into problems. Everything I touch, I ruin. I'm like Midas in reverse.

fivehundred'ninety



I can't begin to count the number of times I've told myself
"I'm moving on." "I'm done." "I'm so over him.

But the number of times those statments were true? 
Never.

fivehundred'eightynine



If you don't believe he loves you, chances are you're right. Anyone who loves you would never, in a million years, give you a reason to believe that they didn't.

Thursday, December 08, 2011

fivehundred'eightyeight



Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're so caught up in making the right choice that you won't stop to consider that maybe there isn't a right or wrong choice, there are just a lot of choices?

fivehundred'eightyseven



You didn't owe it to me to be a decent friend. You owe it to me to be a decent human being.

fivehundred'eightysix



I don't suppose you have many friends. Neither do I. I don't trust people who say they have a lot of friends. It's a sure sign that they don't really know anyone.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

fivehundred'eightyfive




People think I'm confident but I'm just as insecure of anyone else.
I just know how to put on a show.

fivehundred'eightyfour



Eventually, to someone, I'll be perfect. My messiness and immaturity, emotions and temper will be everything he needs.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

fivehundred'eightythree



You see I blog and think it's a waste of time? You don't know how much this has saved me, how much it could save someone else. You can have your own opinion, but don't judge people for doing something you don't like, something you don't agree with. Everyone is different and we all have our own little ways of spending our time, ways of dealing with things, ways of saving ourselves. Maybe no one cares about what I write here, you say 99% of people will look past this page and think nothing of it. But that 1%, they care. That is all that matters. Maybe I will help, enlighten, or change someone. I won't stop because you try and bring me down. Your views are your own, keep them. You were my friend, but you weren't much of one. I listened to you and valued your opinions, and you laugh at this because I voice how I really feel.. I want to leave this place. I don't want to be brought down by people anymore.. 
Does anyone really care?

Monday, November 28, 2011

fivehundred'eightytwo



Depression is humiliating. 
It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can't wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to give value to your friends, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognisable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can't comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can't concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the rubbish. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you've never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the people who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the shops cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It's not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It's an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. 
Depression is real. 
Just because you've never had it doesn't make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest you be judged.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

fivehundred'eightyone



It doesn't matter if you have a boyfriend or a bunch of friends. If
you're lonely, then you will feel lonely with or without these factors.
They don't change it. They don't make you feel less alone.
Loneliness doesn't mean you don't have people who love you, it
just means you don't feel it. It's a state of mind, not reality.

fivehundred'eighty



The most selfish one letter word - I - avoid it.
The most satisfying two letter word - we - use it.
The most poisonous three letter word - ego - kill it.
The most used four letter word - love - value it.
The most pleasing five letter word - smile - keep it.
The fastest spreading six letter word - rumour - ignore it.
The hardest working seven letter word - success - achieve it.
The most enviable eight letter word - jealousy - distance it.
The most powerful nine letter word - knowledge - acquire it.
The most essential ten letter word - confidence - trust it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

fivehundred'seventynine



There's always going to be bad stuff out there. But here's the amazing thing: light triumphs darkness, everytime. You can stick a candle into the dark, but you can't stick the dark into the light.

fivehundred'seventyeight



Every bad situation will have something positive.
Even a dead clock shows the correct time twice a day.

fivehundred'seventyseven



The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal it away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of teller but for want of an understanding ear.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

fivehundred'seventysix



Don't you dare tell me nothing matters. Everything matters.
Every drop of rain, every ray of sunshine, every wisp of cloud matters
and they matter because I can see them and if I can see them,
then they can see me and I know that there's an entire world that cares out there.
Hiding behind a world that doesn't afraid to show who it really is 
and with or without you,
I will drag that world out of the dirt and the blood and the muck until we live in it.
Until we all live in it.

Monday, November 21, 2011

fivehundred'seventyfive



Pale, hazel eyed angel slowly hits the floor. She kept on asking for just one more burning sensation down her throat, bitter taste kisses her lips. She's loving the view behind these new set of eyes and she giggles and they whisper that she might die. The odd thing is she feels just fine. Freckles lost against the cold tan tile, arms under her sudden movement like a rollercoaster; next thing she does is open her eyes. "I'm fine, I'm fine" as her tiny toes tap down the silent hallway, sad, lonely, looking for the arms of a boy who does not love her. Smile escapes her lips as she sees him past the door. Pale, hazel eyed angel slowly hits the floor and into a sleep with kisses on her neck and sweet nothings in her ear. Poor little girl, she only wanted just one more.

fivehundred'seventyfour



If you're looking for the truth, you have to shut up. Most people I know fill their days with meaningless bullshit, small talk, and trivial diversions just to keep the noise in and their own heads down.

fivehundred'seventythree



Truth is, how many people these days are actually happy with everything about themselves? From their face to their body to their personality. We always think something about us could be better; could be improved. We would look better and feel better if we could change our flaws. Sure, some people want to have that perfect body, clear skin, unique talents, and other stuff. But, why? Why do you want to be so damn perfect? Do you think more people will like you if you were so perfect? Do you think you will find love if everything about you was perfect? Get better grades? Live a better life? Why can't you just live your life and be happy and proud of who you are? If you're not, then start accepting who you really are. Be unique, be happy, be YOU.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

fivehundred'seventytwo



We can't help ourselves. We see a line, we want to cross it. Maybe it's the thrill of trading the familiar for the unfamiliar. A sort of personal dare. The only problem is, once you've crossed it, it's almost impossible to go back.

fivehundred'seventyone



Because even though she can't say his name anymore, and just because she never talks about him, doesn't mean he isn't on her mind. And even though he's not here anymore, doesn't change the fact that he's still locked up in her heart. And even though it's been all this time, he's still managing to tear her apart.

fivehundred'seventy



If I have learned anything in life, it's this: the human is weak. Man is not invincible. The young and the naive are the first to believe that we are, then comes the life savers, the heroes, the villains, the killers. Whoever amounts up to any form of greatness, anything, good or evil, it's all the same, think they will live forever. The truth is, people die, memories fade and legends becomes lost in time.

fivehundred'sixtynine



She's a strong girl, born with addiction in her blood. She wishes she could fight it away, but honestly, it would take too much and the drinks that free her soul taste too good.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

fivehundred'sixtyeight



I grew to learn how destructive the truth could be. I learned to hold it in, tamp it down, like gunpowder in an old-fashioned gun. Then it exploded in my face, like on a November day in the rain.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

fivehundred'sixtyseven



I'm not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. Always. Sometimes I don't want to talk about what is bothering me. Sometimes I just want a hug. Someone who will let me cry. I like when people cry in front of me - when people aren't afraid to show what they're really feeling. I don't like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn't do any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have blatantly been disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not been completely diminished. To be honest, I hope it never does.

fivehundred'sixtysix


About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most people will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... It's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never give up hope.

fivehundred'sixtyfive



Our love was drowning in every evil word we'd ever said. It was enough to kill us both.

Monday, November 14, 2011

fivehundred'sixtyfour



I'm in love alright, with my crazy beautiful life. With the parties, the disasters, with my friends all pretty and plastered.

fivehundred'sixtythree



She felt as though she were failing in practically every area of her life. Lately, happiness seemed distant and unattainable to her as space travel. She hadn't always felt this way. There had been a long period of time during which she remembered being very happy. But things change. People change. Change was always one of the inevitable laws of nature, extracting its toll on people's lives. Mistakes are made, regrets form, and all that was left were repercussions that made something as simple as rising from the bed seem almost laborious.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

fivehundred'sixtytwo



Every life starts out like a fresh piece of clay; boring, plain, certainly not the best work of art, yet strong and sturdy. Every memory, person, moment, laugh, thought; they're like the hands and tools that shape the clay. When it falls and breaks, and gets dented and out of shape, well that's like our broken hearts, and hard spots in someone's life; but nothing a little time and glue can't fix. Friends are like the colours. They give it beauty, and make you more unique; best of all, the good ones stay on even when you fall apart. And finally, love is like a shiny glaze, that softens the clays tattered surface. It covers even the bare, and unwanted parts of your life. And even though it looks clear, you can still see it shine when you look on the bright side.

fivehundred'sixtyone



I've figured out a way to twist reality.
Just take a ton of drugs and alcohol and never go to sleep.
Buy the saddest movies you've ever seen.
Fill your room with the noise from the screen and put it on repeat.
Push your friends, your family away with all the cruel things you said.
If you need company, you have yourself, the voices in your head.

fivehundred'sixty



When we first started talking, I didn't want to get involved with anyone, heck I didn't even know you. But you were so good to me and you were so easy to talk to and little by little, I found myself falling even harder in love with you.

fivehundred'fiftynine



Have you ever been lying on your bed thinking about him and your body starts to tingle and all of a sudden you want nothing more than to be in his arms?

Saturday, November 12, 2011

fivehundred'fiftyeight



You know what? Yes, I have changed. I'm not as nice as I used to be, because I don't want to get used or walked over. I don't trust everyone and tell them my secrets, because behind every fake smile is a backstabbing bitch. I distance myself from people because in the end, they're only going to leave so I'm not going to hurt myself by letting you in. I have changed because I have realised that I'm the only person I can depend on.

fivehundred'fiftyseven



And sometimes when your mind gets going, you just can't seem to get it to stop. It's like never-ending spinning, going around and around, thinking about those things you really don't want to know about yourself. But you just can't get it to stop. The thoughts just clog your mind, your every movement. You can't do anything without thinking. And eventually, you just don't want to think anymore when really - it's all you've got.

fivehundred'fiftysix



I'm telling you, you don't want to fall for me. You don't even want to be with me. I'd make a terrible girlfriend. I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people, I'd forget to call. I change my mind way too much and I love going out with friends, I can't settle. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken, more than once by the same boy. I lost the pieces so don't bother trying to put them back together. You don't want to fall for me... I wouldn't want to put you through that.

fivehundred'fiftyfive



And ultimately, he's going to find out. How you chew, how you sip, how you dance, how you smell at every point in the day. The fact that most of your friends are shallow. That you hate sitting in English class, the middle seat. How you love chocolate, how you can be hyper at times, how certain games and shows make you really happy. How cranky you get when you PMS or when you're tired, how you think you look bad in all your photos on facebook, how music is your life. How you messed up in your past, how you choose to ignore things and lie rather than face them. He's going to know everything about you. And you know what? If you're lucky, he's still going to love you.

fivehundred'fiftyfour



Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion. See, the trick is that you are never supposed to act on it, no matter how unbearable the misery gets.
Is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak? An avalanche of opinions like the one that I feel that I am now underneath.

fivehundred'fiftythree



There are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes they gust with the fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan your cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do a future that is impossible to ignore.

Friday, August 19, 2011

fivehundred'fiftytwo



I am occasionally loveable but for the most part I'm like loving a raincloud.